Since I date women from the entire ethnic spectrum (yea, I don’t discriminate), I just thought I’d ask this…Why is it that a black woman can handle their black man cheating on them with a woman of the same race, but if she just so happens to be something other than Rocky Road, it tends to hurt that much more?
19 Responses to “Since I date women from the entire ethnic spectrum (yea, I don’t discriminate), I just thought I’d ask this…Why is it that a black woman can handle their black man cheating on them with a woman of the same race, but if she just so happens to be something other than Rocky Road, it tends to hurt that much more?”
I cant really answer fthat question because I am Purto Rican, but my experience is that it hurts equally the same to be cheated on regardless of the race of the “other woman”.
I have to agree that cheating, regardless of the race of the other person, hurts like hell. The first time I was cheated on I remember wishing he had just punched me in the face. Not to downplay physical abuse, but at the time, I definitely thought that physical pain would be preferable to that dark emotional pain.
That said, I will say that there probably is an extra feeling of “adding insult to injury” if the person you cheated with isn’t black. Historically, black people have been told that white is right and black is ugly/wrong/bad. Not to get too deep, but did you ever hear of/read the study done, probably 50 years ago, where they asked the little black girls to choose which doll bw a black one and a white one, was pretty/smart/good? The little BLACK girls pretty much universally chose the white doll for every positive characteristic. All that to say that for years, society and media have been telling black girls and women that we are not attractive. Fortunately, I think we have been able to overcome some of that and see the beauty in ourselves, acknowledged or not. But when you date or, infinitely worse, cheat with, a person of a different race, it may feel like you, OB, have tacitly agreed with all the black woman’s detractors. So while you probably feel like your dating motivations have nothing to do with historical context and some of us women might say that our reactions aren’t based on that either, I would argue that we probably aren’t even fully aware how deeply some old resentments lie.
Definitely agree with the comments above. Regardless of race, the cheating hurts. Trust me, it’s not ok. I think some of the issue in terms of cheating really comes from the “why”. We spend enough time trying to figure out the answer to “why” but if the guy cheats outside of the race, I think it adds to many additional questions that then just pisses you off. Additionally, I think there is the fact that women can be trifling and there are few things that make you more angry than possibly coming face to face with that girl while she gives you the “Yeah-he-left-you-for-this-(insert race)-girl-and-so what?” look.
@ jai they did that study again about TWO years ago, and the results were identical. I think that has a lot to do with it. I also believe that in today’s “professional” world the black man is seen as an emasculated and endangered species. Having said that, if there are no black men what happens to the black family? I believe that black women already see the supply as low, so to lose one outside of a black family just hurts on multiple levels. Our women are the only women that feel as if they have to compete because there are just not enough quality spouses available. š¦
@Ontez, I heart you for seeing and raising my reference!
And I co-sign your concern for the black family. The more that I think about it, the more I’m not sure that I 100% agree with the hype about the huge discrepancy between black men of quality and black women of quality. However, that feeling of “shortage” that you mentioned must certainly play into this.
I’m not particularly thrown off by the whole cheating outside of your race- like I said it’s the cheating in general that will get you cut off. What annoys me is when people employ stereotypes to rationalize why they chose to go with someone of a different race. The ones that make me the most angry:
1. All black women have attitudes
2. Black women do not know how to appreciate a black man
3. Black women aren’t submissive
4. White women do things that black women won’t do (we will leave this response vague).
BTW thanks to Jai and Ontez for the reference to the Kenneth and Mamie Clark doll study. It has put a smile on this psychology guru’s face.
Yeah those stereotypes are pretty maddening! I would especially disagree with numbers 1 and 4. If a black woman had an attitude with YOU, sir, maybe, possibly it was YOU! ANd that Becky stereotype has got to be a myth. It’s 2010 and we’re all adults.
As for number 3, I would venture that many strong women are still capable of letting a man be a man.
I would add to the list that black women don’t know how to act. Any one of my friends could be taken into almost any venue, high or low, and be comfortable, confident and delightful company.
@ jai. I definitely don’t believe there is a shortage, but I do believe that MOST black women feel that way. I think that both the men and women play into this…….. The men date longer and harder because they feel they have more leeway. The women are more tollerant and forgiving because they don’t want to miss their “opportunity”.
Dang Jai and Ontez….can you leave the psychology talk (doll study) to me and youmissme!!! Ya’ll took all the good stuff!
But another thought related to what’s already been mentioned is that people often look for a reason for any type of a break up (not just cheating)and then try to improve in the next relationship. It’s hard to change from black to white…not that I think any one should want to change races…because I do not…I love being black. I personally have never experienced being cheated on (or at least never found out)but I have witnessed some things. Sometimes black men will simply leave because the other woman is white and white is “better” or any other race is “better” than black. In many of the situations, it seems like a downgrade in quality of woman too just to have that white woman, all the man can see is that white = quality. TO BE CLEAR THERE ARE GOOD AND BAD QUALITY WOMEN IN EACH RACE! So it leaves a woman to think, I am doing all the right things but you left me because I am not the right color? Even within the black community women and men may discriminate against darker skinned individuals. This happens in Hispanic/Latino and Indian cultures also. It is definitely linked to the deep-seated stereotypes and prejudice in the American and I’m sure other cultures.
Now I get that not every person who leaves for (or simply dates) a white woman is doing it solely for the race. But my man left me for a woman of a different race I admit I would wonder…Just like when a cashier puts my money on the counter instead of my hand, is it because I’m black…
P.S. Oh and you better believe that we gon’ have a HUGE problem regardless of race if you my partner cheats on me ain’t no kinda “handling it” going on!!!! Cheating is cheating!
I didn’t even think about that added element of cheating “down” with a white girl. I dated a guy who, did not cheat with, but after we broke up, started dating a white girl. I won’t put his biz in the street, but I will say that looks seemed to have been her one of her only redeeming qualities. And I really couldn’t help but wonder occasionally if she was getting some leeway for being white. I doubt very seriously that a black woman with that VAST array of ongoing issues would have ever have gotten a foot in the door.
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I cant really answer fthat question because I am Purto Rican, but my experience is that it hurts equally the same to be cheated on regardless of the race of the “other woman”.
ivonne
I have to agree that cheating, regardless of the race of the other person, hurts like hell. The first time I was cheated on I remember wishing he had just punched me in the face. Not to downplay physical abuse, but at the time, I definitely thought that physical pain would be preferable to that dark emotional pain.
That said, I will say that there probably is an extra feeling of “adding insult to injury” if the person you cheated with isn’t black. Historically, black people have been told that white is right and black is ugly/wrong/bad. Not to get too deep, but did you ever hear of/read the study done, probably 50 years ago, where they asked the little black girls to choose which doll bw a black one and a white one, was pretty/smart/good? The little BLACK girls pretty much universally chose the white doll for every positive characteristic. All that to say that for years, society and media have been telling black girls and women that we are not attractive. Fortunately, I think we have been able to overcome some of that and see the beauty in ourselves, acknowledged or not. But when you date or, infinitely worse, cheat with, a person of a different race, it may feel like you, OB, have tacitly agreed with all the black woman’s detractors. So while you probably feel like your dating motivations have nothing to do with historical context and some of us women might say that our reactions aren’t based on that either, I would argue that we probably aren’t even fully aware how deeply some old resentments lie.
Definitely agree with the comments above. Regardless of race, the cheating hurts. Trust me, it’s not ok. I think some of the issue in terms of cheating really comes from the “why”. We spend enough time trying to figure out the answer to “why” but if the guy cheats outside of the race, I think it adds to many additional questions that then just pisses you off. Additionally, I think there is the fact that women can be trifling and there are few things that make you more angry than possibly coming face to face with that girl while she gives you the “Yeah-he-left-you-for-this-(insert race)-girl-and-so what?” look.
I am going to cosign with the others. I think regardless of race, it hurts to lose trust in someone you love.
@ jai they did that study again about TWO years ago, and the results were identical. I think that has a lot to do with it. I also believe that in today’s “professional” world the black man is seen as an emasculated and endangered species. Having said that, if there are no black men what happens to the black family? I believe that black women already see the supply as low, so to lose one outside of a black family just hurts on multiple levels. Our women are the only women that feel as if they have to compete because there are just not enough quality spouses available. š¦
@Ontez, I heart you for seeing and raising my reference!
And I co-sign your concern for the black family. The more that I think about it, the more I’m not sure that I 100% agree with the hype about the huge discrepancy between black men of quality and black women of quality. However, that feeling of “shortage” that you mentioned must certainly play into this.
I’m not particularly thrown off by the whole cheating outside of your race- like I said it’s the cheating in general that will get you cut off. What annoys me is when people employ stereotypes to rationalize why they chose to go with someone of a different race. The ones that make me the most angry:
1. All black women have attitudes
2. Black women do not know how to appreciate a black man
3. Black women aren’t submissive
4. White women do things that black women won’t do (we will leave this response vague).
BTW thanks to Jai and Ontez for the reference to the Kenneth and Mamie Clark doll study. It has put a smile on this psychology guru’s face.
Yeah those stereotypes are pretty maddening! I would especially disagree with numbers 1 and 4. If a black woman had an attitude with YOU, sir, maybe, possibly it was YOU! ANd that Becky stereotype has got to be a myth. It’s 2010 and we’re all adults.
As for number 3, I would venture that many strong women are still capable of letting a man be a man.
I would add to the list that black women don’t know how to act. Any one of my friends could be taken into almost any venue, high or low, and be comfortable, confident and delightful company.
@ jai. I definitely don’t believe there is a shortage, but I do believe that MOST black women feel that way. I think that both the men and women play into this…….. The men date longer and harder because they feel they have more leeway. The women are more tollerant and forgiving because they don’t want to miss their “opportunity”.
I agree with you completely. There’s a hilarious post on the very topic you raise on my favorite blog (other than this one, of course!)
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/defining-the-diva-dude/
Oh and I heart you back. Lol
LOL, it’s like waiting with your hand in the air..just left me hanging š
Naw……. I came right back to ya……….
Dang Jai and Ontez….can you leave the psychology talk (doll study) to me and youmissme!!! Ya’ll took all the good stuff!
But another thought related to what’s already been mentioned is that people often look for a reason for any type of a break up (not just cheating)and then try to improve in the next relationship. It’s hard to change from black to white…not that I think any one should want to change races…because I do not…I love being black. I personally have never experienced being cheated on (or at least never found out)but I have witnessed some things. Sometimes black men will simply leave because the other woman is white and white is “better” or any other race is “better” than black. In many of the situations, it seems like a downgrade in quality of woman too just to have that white woman, all the man can see is that white = quality. TO BE CLEAR THERE ARE GOOD AND BAD QUALITY WOMEN IN EACH RACE! So it leaves a woman to think, I am doing all the right things but you left me because I am not the right color? Even within the black community women and men may discriminate against darker skinned individuals. This happens in Hispanic/Latino and Indian cultures also. It is definitely linked to the deep-seated stereotypes and prejudice in the American and I’m sure other cultures.
Now I get that not every person who leaves for (or simply dates) a white woman is doing it solely for the race. But my man left me for a woman of a different race I admit I would wonder…Just like when a cashier puts my money on the counter instead of my hand, is it because I’m black…
P.S. Oh and you better believe that we gon’ have a HUGE problem regardless of race if you my partner cheats on me ain’t no kinda “handling it” going on!!!! Cheating is cheating!
@teschan. Yes intraracism does exist in ALL people of color, and that is why the doll study was so relevant. Lol. I LOVE all shades of black.
Lol, techsan! Welcome back, girl!
I didn’t even think about that added element of cheating “down” with a white girl. I dated a guy who, did not cheat with, but after we broke up, started dating a white girl. I won’t put his biz in the street, but I will say that looks seemed to have been her one of her only redeeming qualities. And I really couldn’t help but wonder occasionally if she was getting some leeway for being white. I doubt very seriously that a black woman with that VAST array of ongoing issues would have ever have gotten a foot in the door.
At the end of the day, at least he didn’t cheat with a dude. I would have had to fight him and it wouldn’t have been pretty.
Well, I’m dead, now. THank you very much!
***Curtsey***