The Wrap Up… or Break Up

Today is the last day of regular blogging for Jai de Vivre and myself. What a year. Each of us debated about the best way to end a regular tie with the blog. It’s not like we had a huge blow up fight with the blog or like the blog cheated on us. In the standard idea of a “relationship” it’s just time.

For the most part, I try to end relationships with as little drama as possible. My hope is that once the relationship is finished, part of the “growing” process is to take the experiences in the relationship and incorporate them in a way that will ultimately make me a stronger, more intelligent, well-rounded person. This is no different. The things that I have learned will somehow be incorporated into my new life in New Orleans. A life that will likely be filled with shenanigans that I would like to liken to The Hangover, minus the marriage to a stripper. Though I will likely meet a few…

Jai de Vivre revisited some of her favorite discussions this week. As an overall wrap up, I will give a summary of what I have learned from our discussions on this blog.

1. “Strictly platonic” is sometimes bullsh*t: We hotly debated the ability to have a close platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Some of the fellas debated that there is no reason to maintain relationships with ex-boyfriends. The argument- 1) it is impossible to maintain a friendship once it has already hit the relationship mark and 2) it could interfere with the new significant other. The debates seems to be particularly elevated in cases where one of the parties is single. Part of the reason for this is the risk for developing emotional infidelity in a relationship. It’s not “physically” cheating, but it is still painful for the significant other. Ironically, the women argued that relationships can be maintained with ex-boyfriends as long as their are clear boundaries that both parties followed. So ultimately there was no consensus in this matter.

2. You can’t make a hoopty into a Lincoln: Many women get into relationships with men they need to “fix”. I agree that I am willing to date a man with potential since I am convinced that we all continue to bloom over the course of a life span. What I cannot accept is someone where there is a substantial disparity in our life paths. Potential is someone who is on the path, but hasn’t quite made it there yet. Perhaps he has the tools, motivation, and ability, but just needs some support. Either way, the person has to have my common basic values. I’m not going to try to make an unfaithful man faithful or a thug into a metrosexual. If he has potential, fine. If I think he needs to be fixed, then this is not the place I want to be.

3. I can sleep with as many men as I want as long as I’m a discrete ho: As allueded to in past posts, there are gender differences in sexuality standards. Women like to minimize the number of partners, but men recognize that this is a lie (“You have only been with 5 men… Ok were you born with those extra jaw muscles?”). I like that I can take this attitude with me to New Orleans. Not that I consider my p***y to be liberated; I have no interest in threesomes or being some love-crazed psycho-jumpoff but if I choose to actanabsolutedonkey engage in some grown business it’s nice to know it’s ok as long as I maintain my lady stride.

GF, do you agree with my “life lessons” or am I truly misinformed?

Thanks for a wonderful year!

*YouMissMe*

Timely exit…

I think I’ve told you about the odd relationship I had once upon a time. If you don’t remember, I’m not going to go into the details. We were on and off several times with lots of drama in between. The whole thing ended with the birth of what I like to call his “secret baby.” At that point, I wasn’t even sad, because it seemed totally in line with the kind of person he had proven to be. I was actually more upset to have to tell my mother. She really liked him and I think that was the first time that had ever happened.

 I was talking to a friend today about one of her exes. She had just heard that he was recently married. I reminisced about the aforementioned which turned the conversation into all-the-jackasses-we-once-fooled-with-and-what-a –relief-that-we-escaped-in-time.

By in time, I mean, before any STDs or K-I-Ds could be contracted. Before we looked up and realized that we had been following behind this joker for so long that our eggs had dried up. Or before any true merging of lives and properties took place.

GF, have you ever had a relationship that had the potential to or did go on too long? What would you consider to be “too late?”

~Jai de Vivre

Dog-Like Senses

Or self-esteem?

Over the last several months, I have continued to be supportive of a close girlfriend’s escape out of a relationship with her pieceofdogsh*t (ex)boyfriend. The drama between the two of them drove me absolutely nuts, and furthermore her continued return to said pieceofdogsh*t boyfriend actually caused me not to talk to her for almost a year. I couldn’t take talking about all the shitty things that he did and her continued excuses for returning to him.

Perhaps I could have understood if he was a winner, but no. He was nothing, is nothing, and has nothing. He won’t work full time, he doesn’t have his own place, he doesn’t treat her well, he’s not that attractive, and he’s not even that good in bed. There is no chance that this guy is a fixer upper type. So, it always puzzled me as to how he managed to pull my friend. She is naturally very pretty, she has a good job, has her own apartment, drives a nice car, and manages to be a good person. How does this work?

At some point, I had a discussion with another friend about a person’s ability to get in a dating relationship with almost the same types of guys repeatedly. My close girlfriend has a history of dating various levels of no-good men. It’s like the time she had a guy ask to borrow $1000. Why would he ask you, a working single mother, for that kind of money? He won’t even commit to being in a relationship. Again, almost all of the boyfriends wanted midnight relationships (e.g., Imma come over at midnight, I can’t see you right now). 

In any event, I say all of this because it seems that some women continuously find themselves in the same wack dating relationships. On a surface level, I assumed that the women continued to pick guys with the same types of characteristics. To some extent, I believe that this is true. Then again, there is a part of me that wonders how the wackassguys keep finding her. Do these men have dog-like senses in which they are able to smell her weaknesses and flaws? As a woman, I don’t attempt to seek and take advantage of weakenesses in a man. The things I do sense are typically things that trigger an avoidance reaction for self-protection (e.g., maybe he’s no good). I look for his actions as a way to indicate his commitment, affection, and seriousness in this relationship. I try to find signs indicative of his character. Will he treat me well?

Grown Folks, in terms of continuing to find the same type of problematic boyfriend/girlfriend similar to past failed relationships, does it seem to be an issue of continuing to select the wrong person? Is it possible that the wrong person senses your flaws and picks you?

Venus vs. Mars

I’m kind of over men right now. I don’t mean to man bash because Honey is wonderful and delightful. But I’m starting to think that all the other men in my sphere are on the same cycle. This is a very “when it rains” type moment. It seems that every girl I know in a relationship is plotting some kind of slow torture for her man. My homegirls who aren’t in relationships are having trouble with their male neighbors, relatives, bosses…even my own boy friends aren’t acting right and can’t call people back. If you think I’m talking about you…that’s because I am.

The list of transgressions goes something like this.

• Obviously, not returning phone calls. #youreahorribleperson
• Not listening- I don’t know how on earth women got such a bad rap for talking too much? Evidently, it’s PLENTY men running their mouths and not taking anything in.
• Not compromising- it might help if you started with listening.
• Not being accountable- take a little responsibility. Just a little. SOME. How about you look in the mirror and point at your own damn self.

I don’t really have a question for you, GF. This was more in the way of a PSA. Like Dear Abby says, clip this column, take it your loved one, told him down and shove it down his throat. (ionremember exactly how she says it…)

Gentlemen, if your transgression is on this list, lock it up. Buy your woman some flowers. Take her to her favorite restaurant. Just get on some act right. That is all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-_c0N2UHPQ

~Jai de Vivre

Offensive Question?

I am the queen of surviving awkward conversations, mostly because I have a talent for reducing and/or managing the discomfort.  I have a triumphant way of navigating the awkward discussions of the beautyof black men while non-black women fawn, faint, sigh, and gush about their desire for black men… while in a clinical meeting at work. I have a sexy way of managing viscious debates on race-related issues. I can Chuck Norris tense debates between sides on issues of politics and religion. So, to wrap this up I am awesome. I am confident in managing awkwardness.

Except maybe when it comes to the dating scene.

It’s less because I am grossely incompetent, but more so because I have been out of the “scene” for such a long time. As some of you may be aware, I am moving to New Orleans (N’awlins for the natives) and will be backflippingthatass re-entering the dating scene. Some of my limited experiences with boy interactions recently has led to some confusion (on my end) on what is appropriate. I have asked questions that I thought were reasonable, only to find out that they were not…

1. My Question: What do you do for a living? 

Boy answer: Is that a sly way of asking how much money I make?

Now GF, I should preface this question with the fact that we had a long discussion about my career and schooling. I thought that this seemed like a reasonable question in the flow of conversation, but for some reason it didn’t quite go as planned. At the time I just thought he was in the illegal pharmaceutical business and proceeded to end the conversation, but after a few discussions with an associate I was told that maybe I asked the question too early in the interaction. Hmm.

2. My Question: Are you married? 

Boy answer: Do you think I would be talking to you if I was married?

I had a delightful conversation with a guy who approached me at the DMV. Unlike boy from #1 he told me all about his education, career, and his daughter. What he didn’t tell me was why he was covering up the glittery wedding band on his left hand. Like I couldn’t see it. It was annoying that he was offended that I had asked such a question.

3. My Question: Do you still have a good relationship with your children’s mother? 

Boy answer: Why? You want to know if we still mess around?

FYI-I didn’t ask you for all of that. You brought up your kids and I asked a simple yes or no question. I just want to know if this broad is going to stalk me/cut my tires/ jump me/play the call and hang up game.

Grown Folks, have you asked what you considered to be a simple question and found the person to be a bit offended?