I recently watched this Nightline special on a faceoff between black men and women about problems in dating and relationships. An interesting point proposed as to why black women have problems in finding good black men is that black women want to find men that are already “successful” rather than finding the man that has “potential”. Hill Harper presented a good point, giving the example of a high-powered female attorney who met and married a newly employed man in a lower occupational position. She supported the household because she saw potential in him. That woman is Michelle Obama and now her husband is the president of the United States.
Well played point Hill Harper.
Of course, my argument is that a man that graduated from Harvard law at the top of his class can hardly be considered in the same category as the average Joe from down the street. It’s a difficult position for a woman to be in. I am all for supporting the man with vision. I love vision because it’s sexy. However, is there a line that a woman has to draw in the sand in terms of realizing potential? I remember returning to the old hood where I grew up. Many of the people in the apartments recognized me as a girl that was going to be successful- I graduated from college and I didn’t have any children. Ironically, a guy from the neighborhood asked me out one day, saying “you could bring me up out the hood”. Even in my early twenties I knew that didn’t sound right, but there was also a lot of things that I remember hearing from the elders: Support that man and his vision. Always make him feel like he is a man. Somewhere along the line I began to think… Why in the hell do I have to work so hard to make you feel like a man?
GFT, what do you think about this idea of dating potential? Do women have difficulty in realizing the potential in a man? Should a woman work to get him to his potential and if so, how do you know if that potential really does not exist?
Grown Folks Talking
jaidevivre
Youmiss
mrsgrownlady
bookerdubois
A very interesting post. There are some great women out there who have supported their partners to achieve great things but what’s interesting is that these women were the bread-winners for a period of time before their partner’s vision became reality. With that said, how did these women realize their partners’ potential? Must be women’s intuition or perhaps it’s just love.
Hi GentlemanPlayer! Welcome to GFT!
Intuition might be part of it, but I think there are definitely some indicators. The guy who told youmissme, “you can bring me out the hood?” What was his role going to be in the process? Did he have any kind of education or training? Did he have a proven track record of past success (like maybe he was laid off, but we know that he can get and keep a job)? Did he even have a plan or a dream that didn’t include his musical/athletic/entertainment career finally hitting?
@ Jai I feel he did have plenty of potential by acknowledging his current plight an understanding that he needs to be removed from it. The b part was he wanted to build what ever it is with her an her response ” I knew this was wrong” relationship are relational I believe have lost that what if potential we used to have men are guilty of this as well
Nice try, Cogcol. Everyone has “potential.” I think the question here is whether or not he has any chance of realizing his potential. And in this case, he might want to live better, but he didn’t evince anything but a vague desire. I reiterate, what was his ACTIVE role going to be in this process of “removing himself” or in “building something with her?”
Very interesting, youmissme! I’m probably guilty of not digging deep enough in terms of looking for potential. I don’t require anyone to be at the top of their game- I’m certainly still building my career- but I think that by now some foundational measures should have been taken. As in the case of the Obamas, she didn’t have to use TOO much imagination to envision him as a succesful partner who could at least bring SOMETHING to the table.
“Support that man and his vision. Always make him feel like he is a man. Somewhere along the line I began to think… Why in the hell do I have to work so hard to make you feel like a man?”
I totally believe in this! Which is why I only date men I can respect. The guy I’m dating now says that he’s never seen the overbearing demanding side of me. I think that’s because I have enough respect for him not to always be challenging him. When he has ideas, they are good ones and he’s smart, so I have no reason not to support him. I don’t have to “work so hard” and if I did, we probably wouldn’t still be dating…
“You can bring me up out the hood”
I’m fairly confident that he was the guy that broke into my office at work. The only potential in his future was prison
I will say that there is some sort of women’s intuition to find the potential; however, it’s not helpful if he has not realized that potential. So I guess it’s a matter of how long do you wait for this man to start figuring things out. I mean, what if he is lazy?
He was trying @youmissme
LOL. His potential was not one that I could deal with. Wanting to be a thug is not where it’s at. Not at all.
I can work with a guy that is making some personal efforts, but this dude was not making any serious efforts to be a better man. I’m still a lady, so above all I can’t deal with a man that has not earned my respect. In this case, I did not see any type of potential there. It wasn’t even like he was a thug with a good heart.
Here’s the thing. Potential is great and all, but I want him to have already had some motivation before we get together. I am honestly not sure if I would be attracted to someone who had no drive in life. It’s one of the sexiest qualities that I find in a man.
HAHAHAHA!!! I don’t know why, but “thug with a good heart” just absolutely killed me!! I’m dead now. Thank you very much, youmissme!