For some reason, I have almost an uncanny ability to maintain relatively good relationships with my ex-boyfriends. While there have been some where I have had no interest (e.g., the guy was a complete jerk), the relationship that I maintain with ex-boyfriends almost has a counselor feel to them. So yes, technically I am “The Call Back Girl”, though not in the traditionally hit it and bounce type of way.
Much of my conversation with ex-boyfriends has been about their current life standings (problems at work, problems with their current girlfriends). The conversations about work are harmless enough; however, I have been criticized about continuing discussion with ex-boyfriends about their current girlfriends. For some reason, I have a few associates that think that I am being malicious by throwing salt in the game. As I have said before, I have no desire to do that. I find that my role in the conversation is to present the side of view of the girlfriend. He tells me the basic problem, and I argue her point of view.
What is the issue? Well, mostly that the girlfriend never believes that the relationship is strictly platonic. I have no desire to move backward. We broke up for a reason. Though we broke up, I find that the relationship was first built on friendship, so I value maintaining that non-sexual relationship. Of course, he has to know to follow the Platonic Friend Rules. It’s not ok if he starts to compare his current girlfriend to me (that gets an automatic stop).
GFT, have you ever had an ex with which you maintained a close platonic relationship? Do you think “The Call Back Girl” is a help or a hindrance to a relationship?
Grown Folks Talking
jaidevivre
Youmiss
mrsgrownlady
bookerdubois
I have a great platonic relationship with an ex. We talk on a regular basis, we supported each other through bad break ups that happened concurrently and we get together at least once a year to celebrate the anniversary of when we broke up.
I too take the girlfriend’s side and try to help him see where he went wrong and the correct way to rectify the situation.
I don’t know that it necessarily helps or hinders. Our relationship just is what it is. I feel like the long standing nature of our current situation (we have now been broken up WAY longer than we were together) and the fact that we rarely see each other in person should ease any SO’s concerns…
@ youmissme. First of all, I am not oposed rto talking to an ex, but I try not to make it a habit. NOTHING good can come of it, so what is the point of continuing?! In most situations, someone is not over the relationship, so why taint the new things that you are doing?
I think the call back is definitely a hindrance. What good can come from moon walking? There is no real upside to keeping some one that didn’t fit in your life, and it could really cost you or them something real.
Why would it lead to some “cost” in a relationship? In theory, both parties need to be respectful of the other’s bf or gf (i.e., not calling at crazy times of night, not trying to meet up for late night fun and games, etc). I think it could work, but you have to know where to draw the line. If the ex starts to step out of line, you have to be ready to put them in check. Period.
I think there are some good things that could come out. Maybe you learn about some habits you had that were problematic or you get the perspective of the opposite gender from someone that knows you well.
I agree, youmissme. It has taken us a while to get here, but my friendly ex and I have clearly defined boundaries. At this point, there isn’t even a need to put anyone in check. NO line-stepping goes on.
I guess I could see where the “cost” could be incurred if it was a situation where the SO didn’t approve of the ongoing friendship. I think that is a matter of being open and clear about the parameters of your friendships with your SO. And friends need to understand their role as well, and that goes for all friendships, even same sex ones. Balancing all your relationships in a way that maintains good feelings with all involved parties is part of being a grown-up.
Further, I definitely have learned some things about my “ways” from exes. I hope it’s helped me grow.
Thank you @ youmissme platonic in my circles was the friend with benefits. There was a bond between those two that had an agreement that we can get down whenever we can an there is no strings attached. Understanding your platonic no you can’t because if I am not mistaken friendship developed in too the relationship an regardless of how much one lies to there self that things are over the truth is it is just like building a good house if you have a strong foundation you can rebuild the house from your side of platonic
I see what you’re saying, Cogcol- I think.
But I disagree. At least in my cases, there was a compelling enough reason to dissolve the relationship, however strong the foundation was. Now, we can appreciate each other for the good points while understanding that certain things make us CLEARLY incompatible romantically.
@Cogcol: LOL. There is no bedroom business involved… At all. Not at all interested. The feelings left loooooong ago.
Every now and again, we’ll have a phone or text discussion. It’s not like we talk everyday or even every month, but sometimes we talk about life. There’s no hidden motives or anything.
@youmissme. Everyone is not as understanding as we are, so for those people it could create some concern. They may feel as though you are not done with that situation and decide not to go any further with you. I just can’t imagine a REAL reason to spend time with someone that you would have to clarify rules with. Just not at all a good idea.
It could be a concern, but I would hate to think my guy did not trust my judgment pf that person as a friend. As long as both parties are appropriately respectful, then it probably wouldn’t be an issue. What are the odds that you would know it’s an ex unless your SO told you? If the person was introduced as a friend, how much would the SO’s view on the friendship change?
@youmissme. Do you think that would help your situation? To tell a half truth would just validate the negative feelings. If you aren’t doing anything wrong, why not be COMPLETELY honest?!
It wouldn’t be a thing of telling a half truth. He is just a friend, we have no interest in each other whatsoever, and I have already experienced what the ex has to offer in terms of being a bf. Knowing that I personally have no interest, it wouldn’t even occur to me that I needed to explicitly say “btw he’s an ex”. I don’t feel that he is any more important than any of my other male friends. In my case, I still have contact with my high school sweetheart. We send a text or chit chat every now and again. When he was in town, he stopped by to see my mom and introduced his girlfriend.
I think the key is a) how often is the communication with the ex, b) are both parties being respectful of the SOs, c) are their emotional feelings involved, and d) is there openness about the friendship. The guy is introduced like any other male friend and he is treated like any other male friend. Phone calls aren’t secret, the calls are limited (like I said, we don’t speak that often anyway. With one of the exes, it’s like once every 6-8 months), and I don’t do anything to make a guy feel like the dude is a threat.