I remember at some point my high school softball coach telling us that “you’d better be able to keep a dime between those knees” and later in college receiving a letter from my grandmother that, in an eloquent way, told me that good girls keep their legs closed. Even if I had some inkling to follow the advice, it was too late. I had already displayed my heathen ways.
In any event, I feel like I have always received mixed messages in terms of female sexuality. I have always heard that men don’t want a girl that’s “been around” and that you can’t “turn a ho into a housewife”. I have sat with many women as we hoped that a new guy was good in bed so I was not putting another notch in my belt for no reason. It’s during these conversations that I start to think about the sexuality double standard.
At some point, men were given the excuses to having multiple sexual partners. Men supposedly feel more of an urge to spread their seed because of biology. Men are pressured to have sex with more women so they can learn more skills. Men are sort of in a race with other men and are pressured to have sex. Even when I was young I was confused by this double standard because I knew that men wanted a girl that was good in bed, but how was she to learn all of these mad skills if she kept the dime from falling? How was I supposed to learn to enjoy sex? Isn’t there some biological urge for a woman to have multiple sexual partners?
I read an article recently that claimed that women are actually more likely to work to suppress the sexual behaviors of other women. The example that was provided was the difference in sexual pursuits on a spring break trip in college. Men (according to this article) are likely to help their male friends to have sex with women that they meet (i.e., entertaining the ugly friend) whereas women are more likely to discuss how they will prevent each other from going to far with a guy. Additionally, the article claimed that the decision as to what is appropriate and what is inappropriate in terms of female sexual activities is more likely to be dictated by women than it is for men.
After reading this article, I started to wonder about my girlfriends. We talk about sex often, especially when wine is involved. My girlfriends are willing to take one for the team and run interference with the ugly friend (at least briefly). We encourage each other to be inappropriate in terms of sexual activities. Perhaps my friends are anomalies?
GFT, what do you think of the sexuality double standard? At our age (after the age of 25 I guess), does the standard remain the same? Are women more likely to be sexually judgmental than men?
Grown Folks Talking
jaidevivre
Youmiss
mrsgrownlady
bookerdubois
I KNOW that there are double standards for women and sex. And I think men perpetuate them as well. My girlfriends are like yours, youmissme, and most of them would encourage me to do what I wanted to do and would certainly take one for the team. My guy friends are much more likely to frown upon me dancing too close or flirting too har, etc. They have told me on several occasions that women should wait at least 3 months bf having sex with a new partner. That’s clearly not how they live.
In my view, the standards are slightly more relaxed as I get older. The way that I interpret what makes a woman promiscuous has certainly changed in the past 10 years. I’m much more comfortable with the idea of a woman experiencing her sexuality however she chooses unless there’s some question of self-esteem or emotional issues.
I don’t think that women are ever hard on their friends! I think those standards only apply to people that you don’t like. Your friends are just living the life, but that other girl is just NASTY. Lmao.
Bwahahaha! I would say this is quite true, though most of my girlfriends are not acting wild at this age. Now, I do have some friends that are out there. I know they are nasty, but we can still be friends… Just not out at the club. If she’s bent over so you can see how her manicure and pedicure match, then I’m shaking my head saying “this heffa is nasty”.
I am more than willing to admit when I have fast girlfriends.
@jai. Your friends are only saying that because they are not candidates for the job. I bet that the girls that they are dating were not expected/allowed to wait that long. Smh
Maybe so, ontez. All the homegirls receive the same advice, so I’m not sure that it has anything to do with them wishing they had “the job.” They have also warned me against hanging out with certain people, other women, who had “bad reputations.” I think it’s more likely that as their friend, I’m in the respectable girls category and I need to make sure my behaivior vibes with how they want to see me. Other girls are allowed to be or can be percieved as nasty girls. It may be the same phenomenon as what you discussed in your first comment; maybe the standards only apply to people you like, and/or, I would add, respect…
@youmissme. There is nothing that I love more than an ex virgin. As long as she is disease free then I don’t care how many people she has.
I’m with Ontez (for once one here) certain things are expected of someone that’s exercised before. @ jai those rules are wife rules not dating rules about the three month thing, @ youmissme I don’t think that women are held back by women cause I have some female associates that believe in taking one for The team. In some realities women knowing there sexuality is appreciated although teaching on the fly is fun it’s better to have some one that just knows.
LOL @ “I’m with Ontez (for once one here)!”
What’s the difference b/w wife rules and dating rules? Iongetit…
Good question? How do you get to wife rules, if you didn’t pass dating rules?
@ jai. I believe my illiterate friend meant to say ON here. Damb I am becoming him. Lol.
@ cogcol. I don’t believe that those rules apply to any type of relationship. I believe that ex hoes make the BEST wives. They know what to do in the bed; they just need to decide that you are the only person worth doing it with.
I am now adding “ex-virgins” and “ex-hoes” to my lexicon. I like it.
Now, I understand the idea of the 3 month rule, particularly in terms of sleeping with a guy. I think the idea of the 3 month rule really applies to how long a guy is willing to wait for potential wifey to give up the goods before he gets too antsy.
So, she could be wifey but gives it up that week. Doesn’t change her long-term desired status. On the other hand, wifey-type wants to “wait” before bedroom business, so the guy is very patient through the 3 month period. If he has no desire for a long-term thing, then he is not tolerating the 3 month wait. @Jai: I think your guyfriends were giving you a time frame of withholding bedroom business that allows you to see if the guy is really in it for the long haul.
I think they are too. I’m saying that the double standard exists in that they themselves would not wait or be expected to wait. If one of the guys said to the rest of the group that he was witholding for a few months to see if the relationship was going in the right direction, everyone would think he was nuts. They wouldn’t do it themselves. Even the ones who are married didn’t wait three months. And yet, that’s the advice they give. Epitome of double standard.
@ jai. I was referring to your male friends that say you should wait three months. Smh.
Me too, ontez!! All the girls in our group get the same advice from the boys in our group.
I guess I figure to hell with looking proper. Maybe I don’t want to wait 3 months for business.
There is a double standard, but I think that the restrictions decrease when we get older. It seems the “I’m getting mine” mentality is much more acceptible now compared to 6 years ago. Why is this the case? Are double standards age limited?
Agreed, Youmissme. Now, that I feel like I am grown, and noone pays my bills, I am more on the side of “I don’t have time to be concern with your business when I am busy doing mine”…
Good post. I too have wondered about the double standards, and ever since I have been mature enough to know I enjoy sex, and now have the freedom to explore my options, I really refuse to play by anyone else’s rules. This world is mine, and so are the consequences. I have already been labelled aggressive, why not rebellious too…
@MyEgo: I think that the real thing that he is saying is the rules for a woman he sees as longterm potential vs the rules for a woman who is short term. Now the question is how does a guy decide what kind of woman he is dealing with.
@ Ontez: How do you know she is truly an ex-hoe??? Lol