I remember back to the break up with my first love. It was when I was away at college (he was still back in my hometown) and I found out through the grapevine that he was cheating on me with a girl that we grew up with from the neighborhood. Of course we fought and argued. He claimed that she was just a friend, someone for him to talk to from time to time. Even though I was pretty sure he was a gotd*mn lie, the idea of him “only” leaning on this girl as a close friend or confidante didn’t make me feel better. Especially since they were not good friends before I left for college. In my young naïveté, I didn’t know how to argue against him having a female friend. I mean, I had male friends, but I knew that something about the relationship wasn’t appropriate.
Even if I took out the actual act of having sex, I still felt betrayed and hurt. According to the monthly poll from last month, 60% of the GFT readers thought that emotional cheating was worse than physical cheating. Then again, one of our readers noted that he had never really considered the idea of emotional cheating.
It leads to a key question: Is there such a thing as emotional cheating? If so, is it legitimate grounds for a break-up?
Grown Folks Talking
jaidevivre
Youmiss
mrsgrownlady
bookerdubois
I have had this conversation with a friend about a month ago. I think that sometimes we lean too heavily on our friends, and that can definitely cause a rift in relationships. Yes I think there is a such thing as emotional cheating. I think most people have nbeen a part of it at some point or another.
I would say that I’ve never been guilty of cheating, emotionally or otherwise. However, I’ve also had a similar conversation recently, and it was alleged that I lean too heavily on my male friends. I would argue that such is not the case and that my friendships are platonic, strong and supportive. And while I’m single now, I don’t think I’ve ever neglected my man in favor of my guy friends. In short, my friendships are not a threat to my romantic relationships. At least that is how I see it. But I understand that it’s a bit of a gray area…
“I would say that I’ve never been guilty of cheating, emotionally or otherwise.” <—I should probably qualify this. I am aware that I have been in situations where someone else might have been emotionally cheating with me. I just dont' think I have ever been guilty of sharing inappropriate emotional intimacies with someone who is not my SO…
Interesting thought. Do you think that people seek out to develop that (emotional) relationship, or does it just “happen”?
IMO, it just happens. You feel like you’re missing something and you subconsciously seek it out. But the reason that I think it hasn’t “just happened” to me is that my friendships are of long-standing. Which means that we already have some norms in place as to what things are and are not appropriate. For example, if one of the guys that I’m close friends with now were to ask about details of my romantic relationship or divulge intimate details pertaining to his own, I would be truly surprised. The friendships that I have had were someone has emotionally cheated with me or would even be inclined to do so dont’ tend to last long.
I definitely think there is such a thing as emotional cheating, and I think it causes equal, if not tremendously more detrimental, damage as the act of physical cheating. I also agree with ontez that most of us have been guilty of it. The problem with “emotional cheating” is that you begin to talk about things with your “friend” that you should be talking about with your mate. And as you get advice, a shoulder to lean on, whatever, I think it’s only natural to feel more and more comfortable sharing a part of yourself with another man/woman that should be reserved for your boyfriend/fiance/husband. And of course, there’s the danger of inevitable, albeit unfair, comparison…”See, why can’t so-and-so see this like you do?” or “I wish he’d/she’d listen to me like you are.” Or something to that effect. And I say this, because I’ve done it. I’m just thankful I was able to see the error of my ways so as to avoid it in the future.
And as to whether or not it’s grounds for a break up… As far as I’m concerned, cheating is cheating. You’ve given a part of yourself to someone else that you promised (either in words, committment via an exclusive relationship, a vow, etc) only to share with me, and with no other. And while I certainly wouldn’t want my man to cheat on me physically with another woman, I have to be honest and say if I HAD to choose, I think I’d rather him sleep with someone else as opposed to having an emotional affair. But that’s just me…
@I’ve Got My Own Band
I completely agree with you! My experience in this situation was that suddenly in the middle of arguments there was that “so-and-so does this” situation which of course then set the argument to a new level from my end. At first, he tried to make her “just a friend” but when my boyfriend began to throw her in my face it now was at another level. What pissed me off is that he was doing it because he THOUGHT I was possibly seeing other guys at school.
In terms of the grounds for a break up, it seemed almost strange for me to tell people that I didn’t have evidence to suggest physical cheating, but the development of their “friendship” was grounds for me to end it. No one understood breaking up because of an emotional attachment.
Of course, I argued that the emotional attachment seemed somewhat indicative of a physical relationship.
I think we lead parallel lives, youmissme. That’s how my relationship with my first love/college boyfriend ended too. Although to this day, I still don’t buy that no sex occurred. Even IF it didn’t, there was some kind of impropriety. I define cheating as one partner getting something they should be getting from their SO from someone else. That could be sex, affection, attention, resources…
LOL. Maybe it was a college thing?
I read somewhere that men tend to be more hurt if their girlfriend/wife engaged in “physical cheating” whereas women tend to feel more hurt if their husbands engaged in “emotional cheating”.
Any validity in this?
O, I’m sure there is! After all, men are more physical, women more emotional. Not that the lines don’t cross, but generally speaking, that’s the way the world turns. Most studies that delve into relationships and how men and women relate to each other show that men either communicate intimacy and closeness through physical acts (and not just sex, but close proximity, touching, hugs, kissing, etc), OR they perceive a lack thereof if their SO’s don’t reciprocate. And conversely, women show ours through emotional connections. It’s just the way we’re wired
Which is one of the reasons it’s so important to discuss your relationship with the only two people really involved. So that you can find that balance and harmony with each other.
And @youmissme…I don’t think the lack of evidence of a physical relationship is strange at all for a break up. Because regardless of whether or not it happened, he wasn’t giving you what you needed in the relationship. Mainly because he was handing it out like candy to some other chick, but that’s besides the point
“Because regardless of whether or not it happened, he wasn’t giving you what you needed in the relationship.”
The other side of this…
After my experience with this, I resolved to do my best not to leave the door open for someone else to do my job. I didn’t know how or much care to cook back then. So, my guy started eating at the other girl’s house. I was happy for him that he was getting home-cooked meals. I think at some point I was like, “bring me a plate!” And not that it will necessarily keep whoever I’m with if they are determined not to be “kept,” but I don’t want anyone else “feeding my man”- being more attentive to ANY of his needs than I am.
Emotionally Cheating is a way to place blame everything begins with a thought regardless of when it was thought about it hasn’t become cheating till it is acted upon when it’s acted on then it becomes cheating thoughts with out the action are no more then ideas but once actions are given to them that’s when arise. Having some one to talk to while your in a relationship will help keep you sane some times you can’t talk to the mate but if you have a friend that is of the same sex as your mate they can help you gain insight on what’s going on
Cogcol, I agree that sometimes you need a sounding board other than your SO. But I would be really uncomfortable if I thought my guy was talking about our relationship with his homegirl. What if your girl’s issue with you had to do with something sensitive? It’s cool if she talks to Marcus about how you don’t hit it the way you used to or that you got laid off and cant find a new job?
Well hopefully there are some lines for the level of comfort that they have an information is shared but that could provide a problem
In terms of talking to a homegirl, I think it depends on
a) Who is the homegirl?
b) How long have they been friends?
c) What is their history and if they were dating at some point, how did it end?
d) Does the “homegirl” respect the relationship?
I think there is a difference between having a female (best) friend that is strictly platonic and emotional cheating. I have a very close guy friend and we could talk about things that are possibly going wrong in his relationship; however, there is no sort of romantic connection… at all. We have been friends for 13 years, his wife understands that we are good friends, I have a good relationship with his wife, but I very much respect my role as “support” for both of them.
Emotional cheating crosses a different line where there are emotions involved that (while not physical) cross into some zone that makes the SO uncomfortable. You know, a bonding that seems inappropriate.
@I’ve got my own band
“Mainly because he was handing it out like candy to some other chick”
***Dead***
LMAO. Yeah he was!