I had, recently, fled from a long distance relationship and was embracing my “I escaped from the plantation and not trying to have a Massa no mo’” mode; going out and having fun with no boundaries…the bachelor life.
So I was hanging out with my white friends (of course, I’m the token black guy) at a house party and they invited some milk of magnesia’s over just to add a little spice to the festivities. They came over and had a token black girl with them as well. Off subject for a moment; but I don’t understand why white people think just because I’m the token black guy and there just so happens to be a token black girl, we’re meant to be hooked up…I mean, I may have wanted to rock and roll with sweet Susie, you never know.
In spite of my previous statement, the girl was cute so I got her number. (yea, so what) But anyway, she started asking me things about my life and recent relationships and so on and so forth. Before things got in depth, I told her that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but wouldn’t be opposed to the idea if that was how the cookie crumbled.
So, the 2nd day of knowing this girl happened to be on a Friday evening and I was pretty drunk heading home. After getting home I checked my iPhone (shameless plug to Apple) and the girl, in the story, sent me a text wanting to hang out; so I invited her over for a Blockbuster night. Fast forward a little bit…she arrived, we indulged in some Ziti that I prepared, and sipped on some wine. After countless laughs and great conversation, I sparked the fire place and we proceeded to watch the movie. Though it may seem like it was my intent, it wasn’t…but let’s just say that the potatoes weren’t the only thing that I mashed that night.
After the sun chased away the moon, we parted ways, and that’s when it all began…endless texts, stalker tendencies, popping up at work unannounced. 4 days went by of this constant behavior when, all of sudden, it happened…she sent the text that most men fear, “You don’t think less of me since that happened, do you?” ”I really like you and want to see where this leads.”
Which leads to my question…
Why would I want the Ice Cream Truck, if you’re handing out the Popsicles for free? I mean, is it possible to have a legitimate relationship after tapping it that soon? She didn’t seem like a jumpoff, maybe it was a mistake? Was I Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now? Am I wrong, am I right? Come on GFT…
Grown Folks Talking
jaidevivre
Youmiss
mrsgrownlady
bookerdubois
gosh,…I really wish you guys would be more responsible for your behavior.
If you don’t intend to have a relationship with the girl why “mash” her.
So, not cool. Use the head above your neck for a change and consider someone else’s feelings besides the blood rushing down to the nether lands….
that’s all I’m saying….
Ivonne
I’ll input some Gemeni logic into this. Yes, a relationship that would be “worth a damn” could come happen after bumping uglies the first night. This depends on the maturity and sanity of the bumpees.
Hell, there are tons of relationships that are sh*t after waiting a “decent” amount of time before swapping sex faces (No Scarface).
It all comes back to the people involved. I could be wrong.
LOL @ Gemini logic
@Ivonne. Just because two people decide that they are physically compatible does not mean that they can talk or interact. Women should be mature enough to understand that just because he enjoys your body does not mean he will enjoy your mind. They are not at all connected. @wu. I agree that we can definitely ” get down” and keep moving forward. We are all old enough that we can do whatever we decide. What can disqualify you is if I believe you to be waiting some predetermined time limit. GROW UP! We are old enough to spend our time however we choose.
At the beginning he stated his preference that he wasn’t looking just having fun so having told her this she did what a lot of women do give sex to see if she can find love when he gave truth to have fun she can’t mad when he told her if it do it do an if it dnt it won’t but it is what it is @ ivonne I hate to hear women make exscuses for other women who have gotten down an then they pop the question about the “less of me moment.”. As ontez stated we are grown if you do nothing more then get down then that is what it is an that should be cool cause I know relationships that have ended because the sex was bad an they waited get that ot the way early
@ivonne,
I have to disagree with your assertion that he was at fault here. If he was as upfront as he says he was, she shouldn’t have walked into the situation with expectations other than what was offered. However, I tell my guy friends this all the time. You need to be sure that you really do communicate your intentions. Be brutal. Girls who aren’t the jumpoff type might still be interested. If they aren’t, at least you will have saved yourself this type of drama. I also think that it would behoove OB in the future to get to know what kind of person he’s dealing with before he gets it in. I bet she would have shown some sign of “stalker tendencies” in another week or two, sex or no sex.
As to the question of whether s relationship is possible in that scenario, I have to agree with Wu and Ontez. The maturity of the individuals involved is what it comes down to, not how quickly you ended up in bed.
An interesting, yet not infrequent, situation. The fault lies with both parties for many of the reasons listed above- He said he wasn’t interested in a relationship and she didn’t listen, had he waited and dated her a bit before the hook-up he would have found out that she is prone to hiding in bushes and popping up at work… I’m just sayin’.
Since I feel somewhat of a need to defend my gender (but not her stalkeresque tendencies, where were her girlfriends to tell her that her extreme measures were not cool) I think it is important to highlight why she was completely confused in this situation.
In her defense, she likely was swept up in that whole fairy tale romance thing. Guy says he’s not interested in a relationship, but possibly does some relationship type ish (baked Ziti, wine, & conversation?! She didn’t have a chance). In any event, she likely believed that she had somehow convinced him that he wanted to be in a relationship… with her.
@youmissme. So are you saying that if a man is not interested in a relationship then it is not okay to treat a woman like a woman? Is it not okay to enjoy the comfort and companionship of a woman without wanting the restrictions and confinement of a relationship? He was clear about his intentions, but clearly not opposed to a physical relationship. Is that wrong or unfair?
I’m not saying that he shouldn’t treat her like a lady, but it’s important to understand why she may value that night more than he did. Perhaps it’s the difference between the genders.
When I say I’m not interested in a relationship, I mean it. I’m not trying to talk on the phone, I’m not trying to have a ton of conversation, I’m probably not cooking dinner and doing all of that gushy stuff that women do for their men. Believe it or not, women are quite capable of the friends with benefits situation as long as appropriate rules are followed.
But if a guy cooks me dinner, wants long conversation, I shaved my legs, AND we do the do, we go together.
Listen @ youmissme stop that stuff because women will get attached way quicker then a man ever will I think that if lines are clear why blur them be grown the only thing he is guilty of is not investing the tome to see if she is crazy he mite pay for that one but other than that she wrong for doing what alot of women do think they can change some one or the current situation by sexual favors. You do what you want when you want how you want
I think I have to side with youmissme on this one. Especially this, “…women are quite capable of the friends with benefits situation as long as appropriate rules are followed.” And this, “When I say I’m not interested in a relationship…I’m not trying to talk on the phone, I’m not trying to have a ton of conversation, I’m probably not cooking dinner and doing all of that gushy stuff that women do for their men.”
Because men and women ARE so different, men should probably know that being respectful and acting like “we go together” are not the same thing. I’m not necessarily saying that’s the case in this situation; I don’t think one meal and one conversation a relationship makes. But too much of this kind of thing sends mixed signals.
@youmissme. I literally just lmaoed @ we go together. Lol. If he SAID he didn’t want that then why did you give it to him?! It takes two……. And you can only control YOUR behavior. If you aren’t built like that then just don’t do it.
LOL. Women do tend to get attached, but only in a situation when behaviors do not match with the statements made. Since women do tend to have that “I can change him” attitude, if he is doing relationship-type stuff, then we think we have succeeded. His mistake was saying that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but was not opposed to one. Women take a statement like this to mean, “I’m not trying to find a girlfriend, but if I connect with a woman that I meet, then a relationship is definitely possible.” Now she thinks that she is the exception, she is that woman with which you were looking to connect.
Women who only want chex do not get this whole thing confused. I’m not telling him that I am not opposed to a relationship. The conversation goes like this:
Lady: “I’m not really interested in a relationship.” (notice the period without any followed qualifying statement).
Guy: “Unless the right guy comes along, right?”
Lady: “No. I’m not interested in a serious relationship right now at all.”
See? Crystal clear. No confusion.
welp, it really doesnt matter whether you smash on the first night, or after 5 years of friendship. the fact of the matter is that everyone is someone’s “dip” at some point or another. she may be the classiest most eloquent young lady in your world, but to someone else, she is the biggest jump-off youve in life.
is it possible to pursue a relationship after you beat it up like a black college drum line? uhm oreoboy06 ill put it to you like this:
1. she’s going to have to have the understanding that she did cross a line and that may weigh on the decisions that you make.
2. you’re going to have to ask yourself what it is you really want from her. if she meets your suitability, then you may want to consider getting to know her in a more than “drum-line” kinda way. youre taking a chance either way. she could be from babylon, and then again she could have really been feeling you with the drinks and fireplace and movies and personal time and all that.
3. what do you have to lose? be cautious, think things through and trust your gut. she could be a really kool chick, and then she could be a “garden tool”
4. as one of my close friends would say “NINJA, you have already won the battle. everything from here on is at your discretion.” Always be respectful and always give her a reason to call you a 1st class gentleman but its really up to you and what you want at this point.
5. finally ill say this. It’s not always what you do, but rather how you do it. keep doing you cause only you have to deal with your consequences.
07chocolatenupe,
Good points! I think you and Ontez are saying something similar about being gentlemen with it, regardless…
@jai. Yeah…….. I think so too. @07nupe. Yep great advice…….. And always remember “yo mama loves you”. So nothing else could hardly matter.
@ everybody,
everyone need to be liable for their behavior incuding women.
something no one has mentioned yet is, where they using birth control, what if said crazy girl shows up a month later pregnant.
And now here’s the guy who didn’t want to be in a relationship and he’s looking at 18 years of child support. Whose fault is it then?
His for having sex without thinking or hers for not telling him he wasn’t using birth control?
Now lets talk about Oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
Oytocin shoots into the bloodstream of a woman after orgasm. It makes her bond with the man she had sex with, she starts to fall in love.
The effects of Oytocin last for three weeks. It is affected by estrogen levels, so men don’t have this effect only women.
These are things to think about before you jump into bed with anyone.
So, I hope the gentleman was using birth control so poor crazy girl didn’t get knocked up.
ivonne
@ivonne. This is a grown folks blog, so we all assume that we protect ourselves. I believe that we all understand the consequences of UNPROTECTED sex. We are not just concerned with birth control but also disease.
@ontez…yes grown ups make mistakes too. I guess all men use birth control all the time then right?
Seems to me a guy who is drunk and horny may not have pregnancy on his mind in that moment……
@ivonne. I just think that is a teenage convo. At our ages, we should know better, and the question was if she should expect more not if there were consequences.
@ ontez…yes at our ages we should know better, but if that had been the case there would not have been a post in the first place.
My whole point is that a man should be more responsible for his behavior and just becuase a girl is willing and you think you told her,hey this is just sex and nothing more than that does not mean you should always have sex/
The poster said he told her he did not want to be in a relationship…but believe it or not that does not sound the same to a woman as hearing…” hey babe, this is just sex”
If woudl be more upfront they would say–”hey this is just sex” trust me women would react differently to those words….
I dont’ know what do the women think?
ivonne
Can’t speak for the other women, but I think this is an argument about word choice. I think we can all agree that the optimal situation would be for any man faced with this circumstance to be a gentleman and just as honest as possible.
I also think the issue of protected safe is important b/c clearly there are unholy amounts of new cases of STDs/STIs that arise daily. I do agree with Ontez though in stating that hopefully the concept of using protection is one that goes without saying in company such as this. That’s a tangent that could take us days to explore…
Smh………. Poor baby. Yeah………. I bet you have been in quite the situation with how blunt a man would have to be with you. Just realize that if it wasn’t confirmed, then it is probably NOT true. I just hope you understand that because it is a little late in the game to STILL be getting” okie doked”. Lol
I agree that you should be upfront- COMPLETELY. I think it is important to be clear early on if you want a relationship. “Not looking for” a relationship is different than saying “I don’t want a relationship” which is the reason that the poor girl was chasing after him.
I was in a situation similar to this (let’s call it my one stupid relationship that the majority of women have) in which a guy was not interested in a relationship. The problem was that he was doing things that were so confusing (said Gemini man from yesterday’s post). He didn’t want to be in a relationship, but he called everyday and we spoke several times a day. It seemed that we were together and then he would pull a disappearing act. Then we would reconnect 6 months later and this charade would start again. He would want to discuss marriage and the two of us moving closer (eventually we moved to different states when I started graduate school), but eventually it was the same ish on a different day. This insanity went on for 2 years.
So, at the end of the day if you want to have sex unattached, make it perfectly clear and make sure that your behaviors are consistent.
Tis all.