There’s an episode of Sex and the City that I relate to very strongly. I can’t give you any quotations or give you the scene by scene, but the gist is this. Women in relationships think single women are the enemy. I think this is sad, because I am frequently the single homegirl. I have tons of guy friends who I love but would never sleep with and who at the very least, do not attempt to sleep with me. We have what I call “quality time” and share the details of our lives. They are my dates to weddings and networking events. I am their ear when they have “feelings” they want to talk about. It’s a great set-up. Until the day, one of them gets a girlfriend.
In some instances, it goes like this. Boy meets girl. They have happy or unhappy relationship. Later, boy meets Jai. Friendship ensues. Girl gives Jai the stank face.
But more often, it happens that my friend has been my friend for years BEFORE he meets his girlfriend. Friendships that have lasted for years and years where we might have discovered that we were madly in love. And. Did. NOT. And despite all the years of basically platonic homeydom, Jai the single homegirl still gets the stank face.
Although I’ve seen it before and it’s not surprising, there are many times when that mean mug gets on my nerves. And if I were a different type of person, some of these women might have been out of luck playing with me. I might have been inclined to turn their fears into reality. I might have taken their men and sent them home completely smutted out. I might have had their men saying my name in their sleep. I might have, but I didn’t. I’m not that chick.
What’s the point, Jai?
Sorry, here it is.
If you’re the girlfriend, understand that your man will do as he chooses. The homegirl can’t make your man do wrong nor can she compel him to do right. But if you trust your man (and what are you really doing if you don’t), then trust that he’ll make good decisions and surround himself with good people. I’m not saying play the fool, but walking around side eyeing everyone he comes into contact with is bad for your relationship as well as your health. If you have some reason to believe that YOUR man or THIS woman is living foul, then that’s a whole different story. Deal with it accordingly. Every single woman doesn’t want your man. Say it loud ten times every day until it becomes part of your spirit. And if you must persist in believing that the single woman is the enemy, then at least remember what they say about where to keep your enemies. Get close enough and you may even realize that she’s not so bad. Aww…. The end. 
Ladies, are you the friend or the girlfriend?
Fellas, how do you make peace between your girl and your homegirl?
~Jai de Vivre
Grown Folks Talking
jaidevivre
Youmiss
mrsgrownlady
bookerdubois
..great post you relaly hit the nail on the head. I am currently single and when I walk into a crowd of married women I am made to feel as if I am the unspoken enemy.
Women need to learn that other women are not the enemy but their own fears and insecurities are the enemies.
I think it’s freally cute though when some women get jealous over a man that never in a million years would I even consider being with…..
blessings
ivonne
Lady Ivonne, thanks for commenting! And I agree that the women most prone to trying to handcuff their man are the ones least likely to have him stolen. As you said, it would benefit them more to get a handle on those insecurities. But gon’ ahead and put the club on that Ford Pinto, girl! Whatever makes you happy…
I wonder if this whole hating the single girl is specific to the guy. Several of my guy friends have married (much to my surprise), but their wives made it a point to befriend me in a way that didn’t seem like they felt like a threat. My thought is that my (guy) friend made it obvious that I was important and therefore his lady felt that she wanted to get to know me. I’m not sure how all of these guy friends made it successful, but I am genuinely friends with all of their girlfriends/wives.
Then again, maybe it is the women. I’m always hearing about the break up of friendships between women because one of the girls got a man and now feels like her bestfriend is a threat. How does that work?
I agree that a lot of the onus is on the guy to introduce the friendship in a way that doesn’t make it feel like a threat. That said, I feel like a lot of the fault lies with women and how we view other women. As in your description of the best friend now looking like the enemy. If she’s been your sister since day one and has never done a thing to make you distrust her? I guess it’s possible that she has chosen THIS moment and YOUR man to embark on a life as a man-stealing whore…OR…it’s all in your head and you need to get a grip…
It is pretty simple, some women are insecure and some men as well. If you are a confident person then there is no need for the stank face.
I have homegirls some ex’s some not, but if they let their man know what our friendship is then there should be no problem and quit giving my man my number calling me raising my blood pressure tripping about nothing. Like I have told ex-girlfriends in the past, you can talk to who ever you want but respect my house. Phone conversations from 1pm to 10:30pm…cool, male(s) in my house when I am not home not good. Whether they are my friends or yours make them fools wait outside (in the car, on their bike, or at the bus stop),also good. But a man in my house…hell no. Don’t have me making assumptions, I am not insecure but I know how men think. Give us the opportunity and anything can go down. I assume women think the same way. Communication is the key to any good relationship friends or not. But let the phone ring at 2 in the morning and I will gently put your bags by the door or on the curb (attitude dependent).
@Jaidevivre I agree with you, if I wanted or had your girl so what we are friends now, and if we were meant to be together or thought our relationship was more then you would have never stepped into the picture. People quit hating or find a man/woman who doesn’t have any friends.
” …find a man/woman who doesn’t have any friends.”
This is hilarious! And I think gets right to the point- we all have friends, so stop all that trippin!
I definitely agree that single women are not the enemy. And I now have a unique perspective as I was always the girl with a tons of great, even best, guy friends. So I’ve been in those situations described many times over. And I felt the same way you did, Jai…”If we were ever going to date, it would have happened a LONG time ago. We’re JUST FRIENDS.” And every now and then, we’d make some sort of peace. But not often.
And now that I’m not the single girl, but the committed one, I’ve found I see things a bit differently. My other, and much better, half has several female friends that he’s known and been close to since high school. Now I’m cool with most of them. But there’s still this one friend…and right, wrong, or indfferent, I can’t stand her. They dated way back when in high school, though never seriously. But I don’t trust her. I trust my man, and know nothing would ever happen…ever. But I’m one of those women who has a hard time being cordial to someone I have no respect for. And knwoing this girl is borderline obsessed with my man, and would more than likely allow and encourage infidelity if she could, I don’t respect her. Shocking, I know.
Now, I’m sure you’re all thinking, “well, sure, that’s a totally different story.” Which I guess it might be. But not completely. They haven’t been anything but strictly platonic in over 7 years, and I know he has no residual feelings for her at all. And they were extremely close friends before I came along. So shouldn’t I go with the rationale that if I trust my boy, it shouldn’t be a big deal? Besides the trust factor that I have with this woman, I found myself stumbling upon another revelation.
I also had a male best friend for close to 15 years until we had a falling out completely unrelated to anything currently being discussed. And I wanted to badly to patch things up and have my friend back again. Until my other half. That’s not to say I didn’t miss my friend, but I found my guttoral desire to have things “the way they were” lessened with the passing months. And here’s what I’ve come to wrestle with, and even hold true, if only in my own life. Friends of the opposite sex often fill a void for us…a void represented by the closeness we are meant to have with our mate. Sure, girlfriends are greatly needed, but we crave that intimacy (and I’m not just talking about sex here) with the other gender. Once we find that in someone else outside of the “just friends” intentions, they begin to fill that void. And the result, sad as it might be, is there is less and less for the friend to fill. Besides, call me crazy, but I want my man talking to ME about problems, conflicts, or questions in our relationship. Not another female friend who can’t really give good advice because she’s not in the relationship, she doesn’t know both sides, and she isn’t me.
I realize my rambling has gone way way deeper than the original topic intended, and I’ve derailed into some thinly related tangent, so my apologies for that.
Bottom line…if me and my hunny are out with friends and he hangs out with, chats it up, or takes shots with female friends while I do my own thing, do I give a rat’s furry patooty? No. If he’s out with friends sans me do I care about other girls that are there? No. I know who he loves and who he’s going home with or coming home to. But if he’s spending quality alone time with other females am I going to feel the same way? Probably not. And that ain’t got nothin to do with jealousy or insecurity…
@I’ve Got My Own Band,
Good point about the need that your platonic friends fill in the in-between relationship valleys. I will say that even when I’m in a relationship, I still can appreciate my guy friends as people and spending time with them is more about that. Just them as good cool people…
As far as chickie who you don’t trust, the fact that you’re ok w/most, but not the one, I think is indicative of your gut telling you something.
I am not the friend but am usually the friend of the friend. I am the one who wants to act a fool when the girlfriend gives the stank eye.
I agree if you are secure with your relationship and your man there is no need to give other women the evil eye. Most times your man is only good looking to you!!! So to all the girlfriends stop walking around with stank face because you just may come across the girl who doesn’t care that he is your man and hurt your feelings.
This post seems oddly familiar, or is it just me.
LOL, yagirlshoma! You MIGHT have heard this before in some conversation or another…
This is interesting…I began to reply and a sentence turned into a paragraph, and a paragraph turned into a blog. So check it out if you want.
mealisdabomb.blogspot.com
Great post!
@Amelia
Great post! I was thinking about the whole idea of stepping back if your guy friend gets into a relationship. I guess it would be difficult (especially since you do care for the guy), but I could also see where her (the new girlfriend) behavior could be a concern in terms of the relationship. Should I step back if I see it is making him unhappy or if it seems that her jealousy (or whatever) is pervasive to other people in his life such as his male friends or his family members?
Amelia…I loved your post
I am married and I still get the same disgruntle look. : ( I got it before when I was single and was shocked to get the same response once married. I have no plans on breaking up my marriage to run off with your man that I just happen to look up and glance at in the mall. Some women and men are just insecure in their relationship. The whole situation is silly because if your man or woman is committed they are not going anywhere. If you can not trust the person you are with you should not be with that person.
“I have no plans on breaking up my marriage to run off with your man that I just happen to look up and glance at in the mall.”
CO-SIGN, LOL!! This happened to me this weekend. Obviously, not someone who I was friends with, just some random nobody ninja that randomly entered my line of vision. His girlfriend/wife/whoever swooped in on him and gave the mean mug of my life!! Like she just knew in that 1.5 seconds, I had made up my mind that her man was the one I HAD to have. I actually have never seen or met a man that was fabulous enough for me to overlook that he was already taken…
Wellllllll!!!! I truely believe that if she was my FRIEND before me and my gal met, then it should not be a problem. BUT, most of the time you are really friends but, closer than FRIENDS at one point in time! I have failed to just be friends with a fly chic because its hard not to be especially if its an attraction there and you are single. You seem to always meet these friends when your single, you go on dates with them and spend tons of time with them. Or you pursue a chic and you just happen to fall in a friend zone because:(A)The time is not right…(B)The chic has so many options that she don’t know what to do…or (C)Chic just got out of a bad relationship and need “Me Time”!! So it turns into a friendship. Then as soon as you get a gal….she figures that you must have something good to offer and then starts to look at you in a different way! Its not always like this but this happens often. But there are still some genuine friendships out there. I think that the the FRIENDS sometime see the GIRLFRIEND not going hard in the relationship and figure since they know you and know that your a good person that they could step in and do better. Its 1 Million more Black men in prison than it is Black Women on the streets….so its slim pickings and the cream of the crop is all pretty much taken! So, FRIENDS and GIRLFRIENDS are looking at things from a totally different perspective and they all want in!
LOL @ “they all want in!” So you have really low self-esteem, huh?
I don’t think I’ve ever been so wishy-washy that I wouldn’t notice that somebody was good/cool/smart until he had somebody else.
I will agree that I have been the one getting the inside scoop on what old girl is NOT taking care of at home. It’s never made me want to step in and handle it myself, but it has hipped me to the game a little bit and I think about the things my friends complain about when I’m with a new guy.
Never have and never will have low self-esteem. I have no reason to be……!
…You know whenever I have had a guy-friend who gets a girlfriend I have never had a problem because I have always been respectful of the relationship and never said or did anything that would make the girl jealous.
Also I would make friends with the girl as well.
Never put a guy into a postion of chosing between a girlfriend and a girl-friend…that is a lose-lose situaltion.
that is what has worked for me.
ivonne
I agree that I would never ask my friends to choose. And I have definitely seen some girls who are incredibly disrespectful or who give the impression that they are trying to get at their friend. The point that I’m was trying to make with this post is what do you do when you have been respectful? When you have taken the appropriate steps back?
..well thats a really good question. at that point I would say that this new girlfriend is so insecure and she probably wont last too long.
If I had a boyfriend that was jealous crazy over my guy friends…hmnn I don’t think he would be around for long.
In which case patience is a virtue..and let time and nature do their job…
ivonne
Great post! i would definately have to say that I am the gal with the boyfriend who wants to keep the friends (that are boys) she had before her relationship. I definately agree with what Jai sad about having all those years as friends and a “relationship” never developed for a reason! i’m pretty independent and am going to maintain the friends that i had before our relationship, because i’m not just gonna drop friends that i’ve had for years, just because his little jealous bug creeps up on him. So AMEN sista! well said and let this go for everyone out there!
Thank you, Ms. Fab! I don’t understand the mentality of anyone who would be willing to drop their friends of several years b/c of someone else’s “jealous bug.” Especially since I have seen so many people try to pick up a dumped friend after the relationship fails…